Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Birch, please.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Witch you were here.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
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