At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
I feel tail great!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
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