Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Come witch me to the party.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
"No eggs-cuses."
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
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