I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
It’s snow joke.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
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