Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
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