What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Something’s goat to give.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Shake your shamrocks.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
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