I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Can I be Candide with you?
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
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