What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
I love you berry much.
It’s a winterful day!
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
I’m kind of a big dill.
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