I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Car puns are really tiring
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
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