When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Girls just wanna have sun!
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
It's lit.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
My love for you simply radiates.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
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