Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
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