You’re turtle-ly awesome.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
I only have ice for you.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
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