What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
The ocean made me salty.
Trowel and error.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
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