Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I cannoli be happy
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
You're one in a melon.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Go to BabaMail
