Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Best in snow.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
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