Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Sorry, I'm octopied.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Gold riddance.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
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