What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
You are shrimply the best!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
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