A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Bookworms take shelfies.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
You raise the bar.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
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