If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
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