A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
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