I beg your garden?
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
"Partners in wine."
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Eddie edited it.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
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