What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
I have the final sleigh.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
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