What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
"Aloe you vera much."
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
You're so clover!
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