Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
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