Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
"You make me egg-static."
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
We make a great pear
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
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