What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
"Just don't carrot all."
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
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