What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Believe in your elf.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
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