What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
I like big books and I cannot lie.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Deja brew all over again.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
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