I love you berry much.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
I cannoli be happy
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
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