Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
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