What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Go to BabaMail
