I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
One trick peony.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
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