RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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