Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Stay true to your shelf.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
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