One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
We make a great pear
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Give me some pigskin
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
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