Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Writers have great climaxes.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
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