What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
After all is sled and done.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
"You can't beat me."
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
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