When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Are you squiding me right now?
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
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