A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
You’re my lucky charm.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Where my prose at?
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
A space fish is usually called starfish.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I'm fondue you, it's true
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
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