The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
I read dead people.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
You’re my pot of gold.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
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