What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
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