During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
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