I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
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