I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
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