I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
"You crack me up."
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
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