My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
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