What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Distill my beating heart.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
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