Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
It's lit.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Can’t pinch this.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
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