My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
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