I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Beach, please.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
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